A new relationship with built in kids.. HELP!

"Dear Housewife,

You seem very nice, so please forgive me for this long ass message!! :-)

A little about my b/f and I: My boyfriend is 44 and has 4 young kids; 5, 7, 8, and 15. The 3 youngest are from his previous marriage. (He left that marriage to be with me) I am 23 with no kids (don't plan on having any anytime soon).

1) When the divorce was finalized, The X got awarded the section 8 and my b/f got a good amount of custody with the kids. He gets them M-F from 7am-8pm, with either Tues or Weds off. He also gets them 3 weekends out of 4 a month. Well, since he lost the section 8 house, he had no where to go, so I let him stay with me. He would have his kids on a few of the days on his turn, just because it was too far for the X to drive (30 minutes 1 way). When we did have them, I noticed a lot of flaws, I guess, with the kids: they were rude, never said please or thank you, Dad (my b/f) lets them snack all day, and didn't pick up after themselves. They always feel entitled to something they want. I let my b/f know about it and how it was a problem for me, and he always thinks I'm being critical. He replies that "They are just kids!" I don't find that to be an excuse at all. Am I being critical? Am I too harsh? Should I put my 2 cents in?

2) I have a problem with him talking to the X about what my b/f is doing. He'll tell her about our life and his, he'll ask for her advice and he doesn't even take mine. Just a month ago, he couldn't stand her, now he is telling her our life. He said she's compassionate. That really troubled me because I'm trying to be his everything and he has to run to the X for compassion! It seems every good thing about me comes with 3 bad things. Should I be offended? I feel a bit uncomfortable with him talking to her like this. Am I justified in my feelings?

3) My b/f offered the kids to stay the weekend of the 4th, and he didn't discuss it with me. They came over Sunday night and didn't leave until Tues before work. I was pissed because he didn't discuss it with me (since he is in my apt and its our vacation weekend). I was expecting to relax on our paid vacation weekend. He did it again the following Thurs! I had already asked him to discuss it with me the first time he did it. Am I not being a REAL woman for my b/f since I don't want to take on the responsibility of his kids? Our parenting techniques are so different and I didn't feel like fighting about it or being really uncomfortable since I can't tell his kids what to do.

4) Last, my b/f blamed me for the kids not being able to come over the weekend after the 4th because I wanted a break. His X just finished bitching him out for not being able to take his kids on his turn, because I wanted a break. After he finished having a yelling match with his X, I went to go tend to him, seeing if he's okay and he says "It's your fault! It's your fault that my kids aren't able to come over because you don't want to be bothered!" I told him not to make me out as the bad guy. Am I? Is it my fault?

HELP!!! PLEASE!!!"

 



Dear Reader,

It seems as though you are in a pretty rough patch.

I will do my best to answer your questions as they were laid out.

1) The simple answer.. You have every right to put your two cents in. The children are guests in your home, and they should act accordingly. However, children will behave as children do and they often need to be reminded of manners.

2) The communication between your boyfriend and his ex should be limited to conversations involving the children. I can understand your feelings about him talking with her in such a manner, as it is hindering your relationship with him.
You cannot justifiably tell him not to talk with her, but I would let him know that talking with her about the relationship between the two of you in unacceptable.
Let him know how their conversations make you feel, and if he respects you, he will take your feelings into account.

3) Your boyfriend should have discussed with you the fact that he was getting the children for the weekend, if it was not his weekend to normally have them.
You should have your boyfriend lay out a schedule of when he is to have the children so you will be better prepared and not caught off guard.

4) Just because you are dating a single dad, does not mean that you have to take responsibility for his children. With that being said, you need to realize that you are not just dating the man, but that his children come as part of the package.
You aren't a bad person, it is just all very new and overwhelming for you.

When my husband and I first started dating, it was a huge adjustment for me as well. I was not a mother, and he was a single dad. I had to realize that his son came as part of the package.
We were not able to go out just whenever we wanted, because he had a child and we had to work around the child custody arrangement.

At first, it wasn't that easy for me. Not being a mother myself, I was use to the freedom of being able to go and do whatever I pleased. Dating a single father meant that I had new responsibilities while his son was around, and I had to make a decision as to whether or not I was ready for such responsibilities.
Beginning a new relationship isn't always that easy, and the added responsibility of children makes it a bit harder.

My best advice, would be to have your boyfriend find another place to live. He too, is adjusting to a new life of being a single father. He is use to having help raising the children and with you being there while he is going through this transition, he will lean to you to help out and take on the role of a new help mate for raising his children.. a crutch so to speak.
He needs to be able to do this on his own and land on his own two feet.
Also, with the two of you being together so soon after the divorce, it is most likely very hard on the children.

Children will act out on a new love interest and will cause problems as well because they are going through a very rough time right now. They do not understand all of the complexities of an adult relationship, and take the most simple explanation, which may be, "This woman took my dad away from my mom". Even though it may not be true, this is usually what they are thinking.

I do hope that I have been able to answer your questions, and if you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to ask.

I wish you the best of luck!

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